The Reluctant Gardener
1: Clearing the way & creating the landscape:
When we reach rock bottom often there is only one way you can go and that is up. But what if there was another layer below? I can assure you that there is a hidden layer under the hard rock, the molten layer that lies beneath. This is where I was in 2019, if the Late Queen can have an ‘annus horribilis’ in 1992 this was mine. My world had imploded, I had walked away from a great job leading a city as we developed more social entrepreneurs and closing my community business after failing to get the support and funding needed for its survival.
I had burnt out; I had ignored the symptoms the previous year:
· Loss of motivation & energy
· Lack of concentration & procrastination
· Irritability & emotional
· Negativity & over critical (of self and others)
· Insomnia & exhaustion
The list is endless but my whole reason for being had been rocked, I felt I had let everyone down and yes, the feeling of shame is so real. I remember walking home as I locked the community building for the last time prior to handing over the keys. I felt useless, I felt so alone, and the internal pain felt like molten rock bubbling under the surface of my life that was totally consuming me. I had a choice to pick myself up or feel sorry for myself – I choose the latter as it seemed the easier option. If a city had abandoned me then it was ok to abandon Carole too.
I spent that summer partying; alcohol became my drug of choice as it hid the pain I was going through. I threw on the mask and no-one knew all they saw was the bubbly party girl, not the broken woman. No one saw the shame I felt, no one asked me how I was, and I thought no one really cared. This is what happens when you fall into the molten stuff under rock bottom and that is when you must act, the bouncebackability I am renowned for would need every ounce of strength I could muster – the journey back to Carole had started as we entered 2020, but then the Country shut down as Covid 19 struck!
2: Planting the seeds:
I had been planting seeds of knowledge for decades, I had been nurturing what I wanted to achieve as I entered my 60’s in 2020. I had fought back and started to build a new business idea and had taken on a new role 2 days a week for a housing organisation in Birmingham. In times of stress, we often go back to what we know and where we feel safe, this job was indeed a step back into my comfort zone, but I knew it wasn’t what I really wanted to do. When you are at rock bottom, money talks louder than hope, visions and dreams.
Within 3 weeks of starting that job the country shut down and I was left alone and in danger of going back into the molten core of the earth. It was at this point I decided I needed a distraction from overthinking, from isolation and from the fear that was bubbling inside that “I wasn’t good enough” once the shops re-opened to sell something other than food, I bought paint and started to revamp the old dull garden furniture. I started with a purple on the table, then bright yellow, blue, turquoise, pink, sea green and orange for the chairs. I didn’t stop there I painted an old butcher’s block pink and blue, an old table bright blue and lots of empty plant pots bright colours – I was hooked I had found colour and a purpose in a locked down isolated world.
It was a this point I saw a post on Facebook from a local Nursery, Smiths Garden Centre who had supported my community business for years. I ordered £250 worth of plants, I am no gardener, my garden was totally overgrown back in 2019, full of forget me knot plants that take over unless cut back. Which sounded just like my life overwhelming, and I had no idea where to start. But start I did. I dug out borders and planted the plants into the ground, I put some into the pots I’d painted and others into baskets alongside my lovely fresh rainbow coloured garden furniture and sat back and waited for them bloom.
I took time to sit and reflect on what I wanted from life. I went back to a wellbeing coach who helped me at the beginning of 2019 – if I wanted to stop the cycle of burnout, I needed to make so many changes. I needed to look after me better, I needed to put boundaries in place but if I’m truly honest I didn’t know how to maintain this. The old fears kept cropping up, it was easier to hide away and blame a city that let me down. This is what shame brings to the surface and this is why I mentioned the molten level under rock bottom that consumes you.
3: Nurturing and watching the plants bloom:
2020 taught me so many lessons, the main one was patience. Nothing happens in an instance and if its worth it you will wait as after all the beauty is in the growth and watching the changes each season. Once I started to reflect on how the plants grew, what they needed to flourish I started to add this concept to my own life. I launched a new consultancy, and this did indeed flourish.
I added a new rendered wall and a new fence complete with rainbow coloured plant pots attached to them as well as multi coloured lights so the garden glowed at night too. The new fence and wall are linked to me focusing on my own personal boundaries as well as a need to feel secure as I age. I added a lovely swing, as I had always wanted a wooden swing where I could sit every day and enjoy the fruits of my labour. I noticed which plants thrived and where to place them. I also noticed which plants struggled to grow anywhere in my garden, whether that was down to the poor soil, the slugs, the lack of rain in the summer of 2022 or indeed the naughty squirrel who ate all my strawberries.
As my business started to grow, I noticed I was spending less time in the garden, it was staring to become a chore rather than something that gave me joy. I didn’t take the time to prune the roses, to cut back the growth of plants that if left will revert to their wild roots and start to take all the nutrients from other more delicate plants. They would steal the sunshine and leave the others to fight for their needs and by the beginning of spring many plants hadn’t come back.
By April 2023 I was recognising the symptoms of burn out again. I had taken on too much work as I continued to fear famine again. The old fears and limiting beliefs started to crop up and take space in my brain, just like the weeds in the garden I had allowed them to take control. At this time, I noticed my weight increasing, my wine and poor food choices had crept back and left me tired, exhausted and lacking the capacity to be creative for my clients. Just like the weeds in my beautiful garden I had forgotten to nurture myself.
4: A garden needs love and attention:
The hardest lesson to learn is you need to look after yourself first. I watched the garden struggle as I left the pots empty, I didn’t nurture the plants, I didn’t take the time to water them daily and worst of all I let the weeds take over from the colour. The joy my garden brought me was disappearing, above all it looked sad and I too felt sad. I had created an oasis of calm but by the late summer of 2023 I knew I needed to make massive changes, not only to my beautiful garden but to me too.
I could carry on winning new business to boost my income but at what cost? I was tired of spending all my time online, indoors in endless meetings, writing reports that if I’m honest never get to see the light of day. I decided not to apply for a few tenders, which upset a few people who I would have partnered with, but I needed to look after me and they need to look after themselves – for decades I had put everyone else first and that was why I burnt out time and time again and that was why my garden became so overgrown and neglected.
I researched loads and found a coaching course that focused on health and wellbeing, I needed to use all the skills I had learnt over the last few decades and finally make sense of them. A saying kept cropping up “If you always do what you’ve always done, you always get what you’ve always got” It finally started to make sense the only person who was getting in my way, was me. No one makes me over deliver, over work, eat the wrong food and drink too much wine. It was me that needed love and attention; my garden had shown me with the right plants, great planning, appropriate reading on how to garden, good nutrition, lots of water alongside tender loving care the garden blooms and looks amazing. I signed up for a 12-month Health & Wellbeing Diploma and have developed my health coaching offer for the over 55’s. It is time we started to put ourselves first for a change.
5: Maintaining your oasis:
It takes time to make massive changes to your live, to fully reflect on your life. Thankfully I have been journalling for the last 10 years. I took the time to re-read them, to see the patterns emerging, the over work, the over delivering, the blaming of others when ultimately, I made those choices. I also delved deeper into the health issues that face us as we age. I read so many books, I spoke with so many people who were like me. We know what to do, but we don’t do it – I needed to understand why?
As I progressed with my course and started health coaching I added a trauma informed course to my toolkit too. It became clear just like my garden, planning was the key, nutrition was the key, hydration was the key and above all you don’t need to do it alone. It takes time to nurture a garden to life, it also takes time to nurture yourself back to full health; to step off the treadmill of burnout and to realise we can live a better more fulfilled life simply.
You need to really look after those seeds of wisdom you’ve spent years planting. I may well always be a reluctant gardener, but I will never be a reluctant participant in my own self care and wellbeing. As I grow my health coaching business, I will continue to use the things I learned as a very reluctant gardener, who hit rock bottom, fell into the molten middle and grew in strength and character. Just like a rose bush with love, care, attention, the right nutrients, careful pruning, not too much sunlight, water and keeping the weeds away you too will bloom as we age well in our golden years.
If you’ve been inspired by my story, why not join me on the Golden Years Health and Wellbeing coaching programme to nurture your own internal reluctant garden?
Carole Donnelly is an award-winning social entrepreneur who has transformed her life in her 60’s following burnout. After co-chairing the Social Economy Task Force for the West Midlands Mayor, she decided to add health and wellbeing coaching to her consultancy offering and has created the Golden Years Coaching Programme for the over 55’s who want to live a great life. Further details can be found at www.cjd.org.uk or email carole@cjd.org.uk CJD Consultancy and Coaching
